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Archive for the ‘Confusingly Lost’ Category

17
Feb

What’s in the Looks?

“I really don’t care what she looks like. She should be a good person by heart. I will love her for who she is and not by her looks”, my friend said while describing about his future wife. Honestly, it sounds all good, after all looks shouldn’t really matter, but is it something we really feel from within or these are merely words to show you are not shallow? We all stared at him and wondered whether he is just saying the big words or he means it really. So, I decided to be blunt and asked him, “Don’t you care whether she is hot?” and guess what, he hesitated and replied, “Well that’s kinda obvious, isn’t it?”

This brought me to question myself, “Do we care about looks so much?” What is it about a human body that we sometimes don’t feel attracted to supposedly the best matched companion and end up falling for the wrong person? In countries where arranged marriage is prevalent, people decide on their spouses just by seeing the photograph which is really shallow but it still happens. An instant attraction to a face is mistaken for love of your life.

Body and Curves

Usually the physical attraction we have for someone is related to the body. After all we believe that a human body is God’s creation, so how can we not be attracted to it. So, just loving someone from inside and ignoring the outside looks is not possible. Yes, looks do matter. No one wants to hear, “your soul is the prettiest thing about you, it doesn’t matter how you look from outside”. In my opinion, this is just a nice way of saying, you are ugly. If you think this statement is shallow, then just ask yourself, “What are the chances that I would go on a second date with a girl who is not pretty but fun to be with than the girl who is extremely hot and well I have no idea what she talks, I was too busy looking at her”?

So, to an extent the body of a person plays a big role in attraction but before you go out on a hunt for a girl with the right curves or a guy with the right biceps, you should know that a good body does not necessarily mean the person is right for us.

Can We Be Attracted to Someone Ugly?

To be fair, I wouldn’t be wrong if I said that attraction is automatic. Either you are attracted to someone or you are not. We are attracted to celebrities, models in the glossy fitness magazines, and our preferences are instantly narrowed down to the criteria of beauty of those people. We go to a bar alone in hope of finding a date and our eyes are moving in all directions until it stops at a pretty face. We usually pass by the not-so pretty faces as if they never existed. I know it’s shallow, I wish there were more people who would not judge a book by its cover, but sadly it is the truth. No matter how much we say, looks don’t matter, we are bound by our preferences of attraction which we feel are beyond our control.

But the basis for attraction should go beyond the looks. It should be based on valuing the actual person, body and soul. Couples should be attracted to each other not by the color of their skin or eyes, but by their commitment of valuing the complete person.

Don’t be Shallow

I don’t deny the fact that looks are important. Our body is a vital part of who we are but you cannot lay a strong foundation for a long term relationship based on outside looks. Physical attraction for a person should go beyond a perfect figure and should come from valuing the person as a whole.

Not judging a person purely on looks is something that doesn’t come easily. But you can take the first step and convince yourself that a weak first sight attraction is not a permanent situation. If your spouse is very pretty but unfortunately meets with an accident which renders her ugly, would you stop being physically attracted to her?

Every creature is made by God and we have no control on how we look, but we do can change the way we make people look at us and value us. If you know someone who is a potential soul-mate, blends perfectly with your nature, and is the best candidate as your spouse, but you are not attracted, then think again. Don’t let go of your soul-mate just for the looks, welcome the God’s creation with open arms and fall in love with what’s deep inside and not what is on display.

15
Oct

Am I Allowed to Take a Break?

In every relation there comes a time when you wish to take a break and say, hey, “I need some space”. We do tend to believe that taking a break will hopefully make things better and maybe the other person will realize your importance when you are not around. But have you ever wondered that taking a break might be a sign of running away from some critical issues which will still be present when you get back together?

It is not only about the relationship between couples but it can be applicable to any relation. You might want to take a break from your parents, siblings, friends, boss, for that matter anyone. I have personally found myself in situations when I feel it’s enough, let me just go away to a place where I can be away from all the hassles. On one hand, it can be a sign of wanting to simply take a break from the routine or on the contrary it could be an easy way of running away from problems instead of facing them.

I do personally feel that taking sometime alone is not problematic for a relation as it can give one time to retrospect and analyze the issues causing the tension. But there are certain rules for taking a break to make sure it is the right thing to do.

Breaks are not quick fixes.

While taking a break might sound as a tempting solution for running away from the daily chaos, every couple needs to realize that it is not a substitute for solving the issues. If you part with the problems looming in between, they will not vanish on their own once you come back. It is important to talk about the issues and then mutually decide whether a break is the best for the relationship or not. Many people can get scared if their partner needs some space. They think, the end has come, we are going to breakup as my partner doesn’t love me anymore. Well, if you are having such thoughts, then your love is weak in the first place. Second, if your partner is not going to come back after a break then you both were not meant to be together. Third, taking a break never means breaking up, Period.

A little time alone can help you connect with yourself.

Feeling of stress or resentment will most definitely come at some point in a relation. There would be a point where you will feel, “what am I doing here”. Now, a relationship is based on compromises, we all do them in order to keep things healthy and happy in our relation. No two people are same and to maintain a level of harmony, we end up letting go part of ourselves in order to compromise the differences. In doing so, there can be times when you feel that your identity is lost completely and you start having stress and resentment towards your partner even though it’s not related to him/her.

We all talk about relations where two people become one and in doing so we neglect ourselves as individuals. It becomes important to discover our own identity before it gets too late. Take some time apart to see yourself as an individual, connect with your own soul before you can go back and connect with your partner again. At least you will feel you are not lost and your identity is preserved.

Slow down to learn more about each other.

The initial days of a relationship are very exciting with holding hands, kissing, taking romantic strolls and maybe sex. Things move really fast as you feel on the seventh heaven and you don’t want to stop all the happiness that is coming towards you. Well, when the excitement settles down and reality kicks in, you start to ponder that maybe you took things way too fast and you start getting stressed and scared.

I personally feel that in such cases also it is good to take a break. Just go somewhere away from each other for some time. When you come back, who knows you might be able to come back with better understanding of each other and revive the romance that you had when you first started. A space away from each other can end up bringing two people more close than they were ever before and make a bonding which can last really long.

If you think that taking a break will break you apart, then remember if there are issues that seem like a rock and do not go away, then you would have broken apart anyways down the line.

A break can help you re-evaluate your relation, connect you back to your individuality and can even help you understand the differences which all coupled together can make up for a solid platform for a long lasting and understanding relation.

But well no two relationships are same and sometimes a break can never bring back a couple together, like a broken vase, you can fix it with glue but you can never make it look like it was before. That is why I said, think it through, talk with your partner and then decide, “Do you need a break?”

29
Sep

Flirt and Be Flattered!

It is obvious that as human beings our brains are wired to invite courtship through playful body language, conversation, posturing and physiological gesturing. Flirting is a very common way to express our interest in someone and in most of the cases is harmless as well. Flirting on the edges seems to be a very natural way to go about talking to people whom you like since you are not going to sleep with everyone anyways to find out whether he/she is the right person or not.

When you are single, you have complete right to flirt with other single people and why not, that might be your only chance to find your true love. But what happens when you get flirty with other people or have people flirting with you when you are in a committed relationship?

You meet people everyday in your life, in school, at work, in restaurants and on streets who might find you attractive and would want to flirt with you. Sometimes you might even end up finding your closest friends to flirt with you calling you “darling” or “sexy” or appreciating your beauty all the time. You might even be flattered with all the attention and feel good about it, but you never know when this flirting would cross the lines and it might end up even blowing away your friendship forever.

All such unwanted flirting can make you uncomfortable especially if you are in a committed relation as flirting can bring with itself unwanted distractions that can even hurt your relation. Even though you want to stop the flirting, you might not have the courage to refuse it or make it stop in a polite way.

Whatever be the reasons for you to discourage unwanted flirting, you should employ subtle yet obvious ways and be smart enough to pull it off without being rude.

How Do You Discourage Unwanted Flirting?

Here are some ways that one can employ, even though I have not been able to use most of them in my personal life. Like most of the people, I too end up worrying how to stop the flirting with without sounding rude or hurting someone.

  • Respond Negatively

Whenever someone is flirting with you, they expect you to go along with it and respond in the same playful and positive spirit. The more you reciprocate with a gloomy or serious face, the stronger is the signal that you sent across indicating that you are not interested.

  • Ignore the Person

While this may be tough to implement especially if you find your friend flirting, still it is very important to ward off unwanted flirting. Don’t give time or attention and show the person that you are really busy to entertain such flirts.

  • Display Lack of Interest

Never give the attention the other person craves for. Don’t let your actions, your eyes, your words show any warmth or positive radiance. If you have lack of confidence or you tend to be polite to other people, the flirtatious person would try to manoeuvre it and use it to his/her advantage. Turn the other way and show disinterest.

  • Show Confusion to Every Flirtatious Move

When you see the person smiling at you for no reason, pretend to be confused and throw in a bewildered look as if you didn’t understand why he/she is smiling. Now, no one is foolish enough not to understand flirting, but if you maintain pretending you are confused, eventually the person would get tired and stop doing it.

  • Do Not Play Along Just for Fun

Do not mislead yourself to play along with the flirting thinking that you are confident enough to stop it anytime. You might go way ahead and end up hurting someone’s feelings as you were just having fun. If you do end up falling in the trap and start to play along even if it is as simple as being nice or smiling when you see that person, compose yourself and stop it before it gets too late.

  • Talk About your Partner

If you are in a relationship, then better to keep talking about your partner all the time and how romantically you are in love with him. Once the person understands how happy you are in your existing relation, the flirting would stop.

  • Do Not Flatter

Flattery is the most common flirting technique and your doing so might give wrong impressions. Even when you appreciate that person in a simple honest way, it can be interpreted in a wrong way and do damage.

Flirting is harmless until the boundaries are not crossed. But always remember, if you are not strong and do not have the courage to stop someone, it might hurt your committed relationship badly. Just be committed to your partner and tell the world that you are not available.

24
Jun

Can You Really Forgive Without Forgetting?

Any relationship sooner or later hits a stone and the word “forgiveness” creeps in. Offenses and mistakes are very common and often the person committing the mistake seeks forgiveness. But usually the other person is reluctant to forgive. Is it true that forgiveness is very difficult because we expect a lot and are deeply hurt to be able to forgive someone by heart when a breach of faith happens?

To forgive a person, you really need to believe from your heart that the apology is genuine and that person has realized his mistakes. But if the experiences have been one of the most painful ones of your life, sometimes it gets really tough or even impossible to forget them. So, if you still keep the bad memories of those painful experiences, can you really forgive that person by heart? Or every time those memories give you a recall, the forgiveness goes away?

I have a strong opinion about forgiveness, I know it is tough to be able to forgive but once you do that, you actually free yourself from those bad memories and you get to see an entirely new light at the end of the tunnel. But I have also seen instances when forgiveness is unfair and the person committing a mistake should be punished and not forgiven. No matter what the issue is, different people have different opinions towards whether to forgive or not. For e.g. in cases of an extra marital affair, some people might forgive their partners as their love is really strong and some people might not be able to overcome the shock of being cheated and never forgive. On the other hand, I have even seen cases when people say they have forgiven but they never forget and keep blaming the other person for cheating and betraying.

Even still, forgiveness is something that I strongly believe by heart. I personally have forgiven and forgotten things in my life many times. Just like God forgives us for all our sins, we humans should also be able to do that. But it’s not that easy as bad memories, painful hurts, endless tears, that we have undergone, do not let us forget things so easily. What should we do in such cases, breakup and go away or stay and give the other person another chance? It is a very confusing decision to make as we can never be sure that if you walked away, would you lose the love of your life or if you stayed, would you be cheated again.

Let’s take the earlier example of an affair, forgiveness in this situation means you need to think about being with that person forgetting that the affair never happened, which in my opinion is rather impossible to do. Usually, the other partner feels that no matter how many apologies are made, how many gifts are given, how can he or she compensate for the pain that I have gone through?

On the other hand, the person involved in the affair, usually wants to avoid the discussion when he is truly remorseful of the act, he or she wants to forget that it happened and be forgiven by heart and feels guilt whenever the blame comes.

Personally, till date I have not been able to figure out what it really takes to forgive someone. I think unless you do not erase the memory forever, the bad memories will haunt you forever and you will never be able to forgive by heart. It is said that to err is human and to forgive is divine, I guess not many people believe in this. What do you think?

13
Jun

Why Do We Need to Please Someone?

When you are in a relationship, there is a constant need to please the other person. You keep thinking nonstop, what should I do? Will he like it? Will he say no?

You are always confused with the choices that you need to make. Is it true that in a relationship, you tend to forget your own identity in order to be able to make the other person like you? Is it human tendency that we tend to always judge the other person so as to make them the way we want them to be?

Whenever you are sitting in a restaurant, or a movie, or in a bus, you observe a lot of people. You see their gestures, their clothes, their attitude, you watch their every tiny detail. In other words, you judge them. If someone comes and says, “That dress does not suit you”, you would probably never wear it again, even though the comment was made by a complete stranger. The pressure to please others and be praised by others is so big that we actually tend to live life guided by the choices of others and in reality forget what we really like.

This brings us back to the same question, why are we so confused in making the right choices and why do we rely on others to pass their judgment?

I suppose a lot of this has got to do with the fact that most of us lack confidence. We do not have the courage to go out and be who we are. We are afraid what others might think about us. Even though we would like a dress very much but if someone else doesn’t, then we don’t wear it.

The only solution to come out of this confusion is for all of us to realize who we are, what we desire and stand up for that. People still in this age are ashamed to accept they are gay, why? It doesn’t matter what the other person feels, it is not your job to please everyone. Even if you are in a relation and you are afraid of hurting the other person, come out of it. If the person truly loves you, he will have to accept what you are, your choices, and your wishes. To start living by the wishes and wants of other people lowers your confidence level further and eventually you become incapable of taking any decision in your life.

Gather all the courage, wear whatever you want to wear, end of the day you will be more happy and satisfied if you live as per your conditions and not by what others say.

I would just say one statement – “Please yourself if you want to please others”.

 

19
May

Do You Think You Are Always Lost and Confused?

Have you ever felt trapped, confused, like someone who can never make their mind? Every time you need to make a decision you question yourself “what to do?” Even after taking the decision you feel, “did I take the right decision?”. You do everything you can, even pray to god to make things right, or give you direction, but eventually that dilemma never goes.

I’m sure at least once you would have walked into a store, spent hours selecting a dress, eventually buying it, and coming home and wondering whether I bought the right dress or not.

Be it dating, shopping, marriage, higher education, job, or something as simple as dinner menu, we are always confused.

Most of the time I’m also like that. Made me wonder, what exactly it is that makes us confused, is it the lack of confidence in ourselves, or the constant desire to please someone else. When you are in a relation, you have a constant urge to please the other person. All your decisions are focused on only one thing, “will he like it?”. You do not even bother to think what you like. Perhaps, this clouds your ability to better judge and take a judicious decision.

I have even seen people, who end up having so low self confidence that they end up being depressed. They are unable to figure out what is wrong, why it happens to me only. They go to expensive shrinks who I’m not sure help much anyways.

Whatever it is, I welcome you to come and share your stories with me. Tell me about the times you feel you have been confused, felt low and incapable of making a decision. I believe that the biggest fear is to be able to share. I’m sure if you can let it out, you would feel lot better and stronger.

So I’m waiting for your stories in this lost and confusing world!!!