Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

05
Jun

Thou Art the Ruler of the Minds of All People – Dating and Marriage Customs in India

India’s national anthem, Jana Gana Man, translated to English means Thou Art the Ruler of the Minds of All People. To put down in layman language, someone who can rule the minds of people will be victorious.

In India, sadly even after calling us a progressive nation, developing so much in IT and infra, a person himself cannot rule his own mind. Society, rules, customs, ideologies and what not, there are various name labels to how our love life shapes us.

are_dating_apps_changing_the_marriage_game_in_india-hero.jpg__1500x670_q85_crop_subsampling-2

Step 1 Dating:

The first step to a relationship is dating. You can argue that nowadays in the modern India, youngsters get to choose whom they want to date and take it to your parents when you are ready to get married. But is it really true? I feel that this trend consists of only 1% of total Indian population and that too the ones who live in Metro cities.

Predominantly, dating is still the same, your parents arrange dates for you, you meet and talk once and if you are lucky then twice. The surprising part is that you don’t even get to date alone, you are usually accompanied by your sibling, aunts, uncles and even parents. What’s the point of talking alone right now when you would have your whole life to talk later, right!

Step 2: Get Married ASAP, Indian Single Life Sucks!

If you are a boy then sure single life is fun for you but if you are a girl then it’s screwed. If you are 30 – unmarried and working – there’s definitely something wrong with you. General consensus, you are probably too modern, have lot of affairs, drinking openly and partying whole night even if you do none of these. But if you haven’t found a boy to settle down with yet, then you are surely difficult to get along with and thus not a suitable match for the sanskari boys out there who are looking for a virgin wife. I don’t have any statistics to backup my theory but I think India is probably the last in the number of Singles!

Step 3: No Sex Before Marriage

Even though government of India has no issues in couples living together but society has a lot of issues. In March, 2010 by a three judge court (Chief Justice K.G.Balakrishnan,Deepak Verma and B.S.Chauhan) ruled cohabitation legal. “When two adult people want to live together, what is the offence. Does it amount to an offence ? Living together is not an offence, it cannot be an offence. Living together is a fundamental right under Article 21, Constitution of India”. But people in India don’t believe in the legal mumbo-jumbo and if you are having a live-in relationship then it’s a taboo. Story is different in Metro cities but only if your parents are not living in same city. Another interesting fact, many couples don’t even engage in lip lock until their wedding night. I personally feel it’s very important to have sex before marriage, if the sex is not good then your marriage is doomed anyways, so better try before jumping in for the lifetime.

Step 4: Engagement

Now everyone fancies a romantic setting when the boy bends down on 1 knee and proposes to the girl. Girl says yes, he slips the ring in her finger and Vola they are engaged.

In India, it’s different, engagement is not just about the couple, its about celebration. When parents have agreed, a big ceremony takes places and 100’s and sometimes 1000’s of people are invited to watch the couple put ring on each other’s hands. A grand meal follows because no ceremony is complete without yummy treats. And how can I forget the grand display of gifts which are not just for to-be bride and groom, they are to be given to the entire family because well families are also getting engaged. If the gift is gold and cash then better, no one really cares about dinner sets these days.

It’s lot more fun to get engaged if you are in South India, here it’s not important for the bride and groom to be present in their own engagement, its more like a commitment between families so why would you be needed anyways.

Step 5: The Wedding

Now undoubtedly this is the biggest event in any family in India. Depending on how much money you have, scale of celebration increases. Indian weddings are huge events, I personally hate attending weddings but then if you live in India, you just cannot avoid them (India is 2nd highest populated country in the world, imagine how many weddings must be happening each day).

So, back to celebrations, weddings are noisy, colorful, drama oriented, full of 100’s of ceremonies/rituals that I’m sure most of the bride and grooms don’t understand the meaning of. Weddings usually last 7-8 days with each day having some or the other function featuring music, grand feast for the guests, bangals clicking, ghaghras fluttering and shining jewelry. The best is when the Groom arrives sitting on a horse, I just love that part in a wedding….

So in western countries they prefer to have just 1 day of wedding, you say “I Do”, dance, eat and run off to honeymoon. But in India, even though it’s a poor country, people need to have elaborate weddings because well society needs it. Honeymoon is not important, but wedding rituals should be done completely.

Step 6: Moving In – Oh, Not with the Husband but with his Family

In India, it is customary for a girl to leave her parents and live with her husband’s parents. But for a boy to leave his parents is unacceptable as boys are supposed to take care of them. If the husband happens to work in another city then he will surely have a place of his own but out of question if you are in same city. So once you are married, you cannot expect to get a privacy that you probably need especially in an arranged marriage. Make sure sex is hush-hush without a lot of sound, you never know in-laws could be hearing from other side of the wall.

Step 7: Mother-In-Law

In India mother is considered the most important, most sacrificing and one of the noblest person in the entire world. So undoubtedly she holds the highest authority in the family. So when a new member of the family comes in to live, her authority can waiver and thus, she holds full control of the son to make sure that he doesn’t love the wife more than the mother. Of course it is not true always, but it holds in almost 60-70% of the marriages.

And that’s how even though you are born alone, you die alone, but you don’t live alone. Society and family make sure you don’t use your brains and go by the rules they were made to follow when they were your age.

02
Jan

The Loneliness of Togetherness

Before marriage whenever I used to meet my couple friends, I would always feel like a 5th wheel, like an outcast. Family functions were worst, I could hear my relatives whispering behind my back, “poor soul, she is still single and so lonely”. It was true to a certain extent as well, I didn’t have a partner to dance with, I didn’t have someone to walk hand in hand along a beach or go on romantic vacations.

married-and-lonely

I thought, once I get married at least I will have someone by my side forever, someone who would be there to tend to my needs when I’m sick, someone who would talk to me when I’m bored, someone who will dance with me and take me out for romantic holidays.

So, to remove loneliness from my life, I got married in the year 2012. Unfortunately, marriage isn’t that simple, it’s not always able to sustain every vow you make to your beloved. It’s not that my husband avoids me or I avoid him, but a strange feeling of loneliness has crept into our marriage despite spending a lot of time together.

I still cannot pin point my finger to what went wrong where. We were very happy and fun before marriage, we would talk for hours and hours without getting bored. But somewhere between the domestic chaos and raising a child, our marriage fell into an autopilot mode. Everyday became a routine, even Sundays or holidays were no different. With occasional movie and dinner dates happening sometimes, rest of the time was like standstill. Nothing really changed.

I don’t blame anyone for this loneliness in our marriage. At some point, discussion about interests, world events, politics, sports and dreams disappeared completely and our conversations became purely transactional or work related – “we need to buy new clothes for the baby”, “project is not meeting deadlines”, “what’s for dinner”, etc. Our day is pretty much tight-locked like a school timetable – breakfast at 9, get ready and leave for office at around 10:30 while I put our kid for small nap, I work and play with the kid during the daytime, he comes home by 8:30, have dinner at 9, I put the baby to sleep by 10, I watch television till 11:30 and go to bed while he works on his computer and then sleeps around 12. We get up at 8 and then the same routine continues.

I suppose in all this routine somewhere love and affection in our marriage got lost. It’s like a vicious circle, we are in marriage to avoid loneliness and the marriage itself dooms us to the loneliness of togetherness.

I’m not sure if my husband feels the same way or not, he is a very self-contained person and is very good in hiding his emotions. But I certainly feel that it’s time that we speak the unspoken and try to find out why we are lonely. Being single and lonely is sad, but being married and lonely is terribly miserable.

28
Nov

Do Men Prefer Smartphones More Than Their Ladies?

It’s been a while since sex has been off agenda in our marriage. While there could be many reasons to blame like hormonal imbalances, new born child, busy work schedule, etc., I personally feel the reason is iPhone.

My husband is addicted to his gadgets, he carries his iPhone everywhere, near bed, in bathroom, while driving, there is just no rest for the poor old device. He checks his phone before sleeping, immediately after waking up and while entering home after work.

Whenever we go out also, he is either talking to someone or browsing something. The infomania is so severe that I feel the iPhone is his first wife and I’m the second.

When we first started dating, he would give lot more attention to me, we would have dinners where talks would continue endlessly and today he talks more to his smartphone while I site mute and sulk. Pre-smartphone time, we would cuddle in bed and watch late night movies no matter how boring it was, now I watch movie and he prefers to sit outside with his gadgets.

Sometime back I watched a movie where there was a comparison between how good it would be to have a mobile phone instead of wife. While it was an attempt to humor the audience, it left me thinking, is it true, do men really prefer their smartphones than their ladies? The movie gave comparisons like, “phone can be switched off at will, but wife keeps talking non-stop”, “ringtone can be changed, but wife just keeps shouting at same tone”, “phone can be changed, but you are stuck with same wife” and so on.

I started digging and it was just not me, there were many other couples glued to their smartphones who preferred to browse on their gadgets rather than talk to their spouses. That’s not correct, right? Shouldn’t there be some cut off time where you simply switch off your phones after coming home and give time to your better half.

It would be really nice to once in a while go back to old generations when there were no smartphones. Smartphones are sure making people smart but dumbing relationships.

I understand that work is important, we all are becoming busier and busier professionally. I know it’s not fair to get frustrated when he picks up calls during dinner or prefer to email a client over sex in bed, but maybe if there was a time when we both simply ignored our phones and gave dedicated time to each other, we could become more appreciative of each other’s work life too.

I’m not a very complaining or demanding person, but once in a while it’s good to reconnect with someone to whom you said “I Do”. Wouldn’t it be nice to spend time talking to someone who is already charged up rather than the phone that needs to be plugged into wall every night to charge?

03
Oct

Long Live Marriage, Long Lost Love

When we say the words “I do”, we hope to live the rest of our lives with our better half. But is it possible that when we have lived long enough together, we no longer enjoy each other’s company?

Nearly 35 years ago, my parents tied the knot and vowed to be there for each other in better or worse. During the initial 3-4 years they would celebrate their anniversary with a big fan fare, never missing an opportunity to remind themselves of being in love.

But after a lovely 4th anniversary party, responsibility of 2 children, financial woes and extended family issues started to encroach on their couple time and just being together with kids was equivalent to celebrating anniversary.

As time went by, they were so used to each other that they would find other couples who celebrated anniversaries and valentine’s day to be pathetic. Their theory, “we still live together and respect each other, isn’t that enough”.

But growing up in the same house, I saw the romance in their marriage dwindle day by day. What used to be a passionate kiss turned into a peck on the cheek.

So, when it was their 35th wedding anniversary, it was only fair that I give them an opportunity to revive their marriage, which somehow got lost in bringing me up. I made big plans, arranged for a night’s stay in a 5-star and a special romantic candle light dinner. What better way to rekindle the old romance than dining in candlelight, right?

But I guess I was wrong, they rejected the offer and said, “We can never enjoy without our kids”. I couldn’t help but wonder, what changes when you grow old? Does the spark go away or you have already spoken and shared whatever you could in so many years that you have nothing left to talk to each other?

Life is often boring after kids, so why feed into the humdrum of it all? One of the best ways to spice up a relationship is by making the small things special and the boring things interesting. I’ll take any chance I can get to go out in public with my husband, and a wedding anniversary is the perfect excuse.

I personally think that it is very dangerous to bring complacency in a relationship. It can only lead to two things, either you sit and sulk but never complaint or you separate. For me being married for 30 years would be a really big achievement and would call for an even bigger celebration. Why stop myself in boasting that I love the man with whom I have lived for maximum years of my life….

09
Sep

Does Every Modern Marriage Need a Breathing Space?

Divorce rates are increasing day by day. It’s sad but true that people can so quickly walk out of one of the most sacred relationship whose foundation is guided by vows of togetherness taken in front of the almighty.

I’m not against divorce per say, if two people are not compatible, it is better to break apart and live individual peaceful lives instead of suffering the unsaid everyday. But what is saddening is that in many cases it happens due to interference from the parents especially if you end up living in a joint family with in-laws.

I got married 2 years back. After living alone for almost 10 years, I had an immense craving to live with family, be close to parents. When I met my life partner, I was very clear in my mind that we would live with his parents after marriage. I assumed that I have lived with mine for so many years, how hard could it be to live with his. I guess I was wrong.

A lot of things change once you get married and you need to make a lot of adjustments, but to be honest deep within I didn’t realize what I was asking for. Starting from what time you get up to what time you sleep, everything is scrutinized. You come from a house that is your own to a house that is owned by another woman since 30 years (that’s my hubby’s age when he got married).  No one is going to change for you, so you need to adapt to the routine that is already set in the new house. Personally I’m a very adjusting person, I don’t complain much as long as nobody interferes in my thinking. But I’m not the old generation girl who is taught to always compromise no matter what. I left my home for the first time to go to USA for higher studies. Since then I have been living independently financially and physically. For me to make compromises is not easy.

Initially everything was going good, I guess being a newcomer everybody made an attempt to welcome me in their lives. Soon, when I did not turn out to be the typical daughter-in-law that I was expected to be, things started to turn bad. Taunts, arguments, bickering, became an everyday affair. I don’t blame anyone for this, it is a generation gap which cannot close. This makes me wonder, is it really important to live with your parents in this era?

I’m not talking about ailing parents who are sick and need support, I’m talking about parents who are well-off and capable to take care of themselves but still cling on to their kids for attachment and insecurity. Even the kids are so accustomed to living with them that they don’t want to take a big plunge and leave the safety nest.

I don’t regret my decision of marrying in a joint family, I’m still adjusting and trying to make things work, but once in a while a time comes when you feel you just cannot take it anymore. It makes you feel that was it worth it? Wouldn’t life be easier if his parents happily let us move out and have our own space? They are not bad at all in fact they have always tried to support me so that I can do my office work, but it’s just the generation gap which doesn’t let me or them bend and come in the middle.

Today’s generation calls for a breathing space in marriage where a couple can connect in peace. This is not to disrespect the parents, but it is for them to value you more and vice versa. When you meet your parents once in a while, you value them a lot as opposed to everyday fight that happens when you live together.

Last but not the least, living alone also has a big advantage, it helps you get your sex life back when you can be innovative and have sex in every corner of the house when you are living independently.

25
Jun

What Happens Before and After Marriage?

Recently I stumbled upon a series of comic strips of before and after marriage scenarios. I’m sure a lot of people would agree:

expense Marriage-7 marriage-8-noisy-wife

marriage3 marriage5 one-year-marriage-food wedding2

Source: http://beforeandafterstuff.com/

13
Jan

Baby Naming Conundrum

I’m going to be a first time mother soon, in approximately 7-8 days and we are faced with the first of the many problems – Naming of our child. How_to_baby_name_game_2

Ideally, choosing our own baby’s name should have been a fun, inspired endeavor, but we are facing the worst of the baby naming problems.

Too many suggestions:

Me and my husband had started off selecting names privately which we kind of finalized as well. But apparently, all other family members also were thinking on their own. My mother-in-law wanted to keep name of her choice, my father-in-law apparently went with what my MIL wanted, and everyone hated the names we had chosen.

Name discussion with family is definitely entertaining especially when you get to hear so many ideas, but it can get nasty when no one name can be decided mutually and it becomes an everyday discussion. I always feel that it is the right of the parents to take the final call, but sometimes family pressure makes you bow down to the strong rejections from everyone.

Don’t share with friends:

Not just the family, but many times even your friends can dampen your mood. You select the name, you are very excited and you share with you friend. Your friend without slight hesitation, trashes the name you loved the most, and you end up feeling terrible about the name. My advice, just don’t share name with friends, keep it till the naming ceremony. After all, it’s your child’s name and your friends have no right of opinion whatsoever.

Don’t go by names, go by feelings:

Name of your child is the first identity that the new-born gets. The way your child will be born, how it was conceived, the troubles you go through to give birth, no one else can experience those. Thus, instead of thinking about names, think about the reasons, think about your experiences. The name should symbolize your deep feelings about the entire 9 months and that thought process can actually give you a name which is symbol of your love with your partner and your own experiences with the pregnancy.

Don’t let every naming discussion, become a raging battle, explain the thought process you have in selecting the name and maybe then you would have better chances of buy-in from everyone.

Just go with what your heart says:

It is your baby after all, as a mother you have kept it in your womb for 9 months and as a father you have ensured that the mother and child are healthy and happy always. Thus, just close your eyes, think of the love you have with your partner and now will share with your child, and pick a name. A name which comes from your heart will be something you will always cherish forever. It will not be a name which someone picked from a movie, or a name of a famous celebrity, or a random name from your holy book, the name you select will be a name which will come out of love of two people towards each other.

You know it all, just be yourself!

And trust me, naming is not just one thing, you will end up getting lots of advices and opinions after the kid is born coz according to all elders in the family, you just know nothing about how to raise a baby. They just forget that they were also first time parents once and they should let you also experience the same. Just go with your gut feelings, only parents can know what is best for their child.

Family support is always good, but it shouldn’t make you feel that you are a bad parent. They also made mistakes with you, so you have full right to make yours. Learn to do parenting your way, your own experiences are something you will cherish forever.

Only the Mother and Father can know what is best for their own child, after all it is their child and no one else’s. I already told my Mom, it’s my child, not yours reborn after 30 years, so let me be the mother!!!! She understood and now she lets me do things my way…..and we no longer fight and argue over small things, surprisingly we now have a much happier attitude towards everything. I ask advice when I need and she gives, but now she never makes me feel that I’m a bad mother who doesn’t know anything.

Just nod and smile if you get lots of opinions, don’t hurt people by counter arguments, however, just do what you feel is best for your child.

20
Sep

What IF Marriage is Off the Plate?

“I’m in love with someone who is just perfect and I plan to live the rest of my life with him”, declared my friend Susan over a cup of coffee yesterday. She continued, “He is an amazing partner and a wonderful friend and really the one with whom I dream of having a family with”. My natural response was, “so when do we hear the wedding bells?” “When did I say I want to get married”, Susan said casually. 

I didn’t respond to her statement for a moment and started thinking, why would two people who are deeply in love and want to grow old together, not wanting to get tied with a wedding band.

Today’s generation are more and more inclined towards this theory of committing by heart and not by a piece of paper. Why get married if you are committing by heart and staying by each other’s side forever. After all marriage is just a ceremony wherein you throw a party and get some gifts. But in reality, introducing your better half as your boyfriend instead of husband is not going to change the intensity of love and care in any way, so why bother with all the ceremonies.

Marriage = More Commitment?

Contrary to this theory of what’s in a marriage, many people say that with marriage comes more commitment and more seriousness to the relation.  In society also marriage is considered as a sacrament, a sacred union defining the highest level of commitment between two people guided by vows taken in front of the Lord. Marriage is supposed to be so sacred that we all are taught to stay away from sex till we are bound by those vows one of which is to be true and committed to this one person forever. Not that all of us practice this theory, but it’s a generally accepted principle.

I’m neither against marriage nor in favor of marriage. For me love is the key which can hold any relation whatsoever. But what really stimulated me to write this article was this recent trend which compelled me to think on what was really going on. Some people say it’s just a piece of paper, but my point is that if it is just a piece of paper then why are you afraid of it?

If a couple comes to me and says we love so much that we don’t need a ceremony or a paper to prove it, I wouldn’t buy it, if you love so much that you are willing to go leaps and beyond to do anything for the sake of love, then why not a marriage. Those who did marry, at least had enough courage to put their love on paper and to commit for a lifetime to love, honor, and cherish unlike those whose say, no promises here, let’s just see how it all goes!

I personally feel that not marrying means, “I love you a lot but not enough to vow my love before God, friends and family”.

I’m not being an advocate of marriage, after all it is a decision two people take mutually and if they are happy without marriage then so be it. Happily ever after doesn’t have to always include “I do.” The median age of marriage has increased to almost 30+ now and I wouldn’t be surprised if 5 years down the line, probability of a 40-year old single being killed by a terrorist attack is more than to marry.

If not for everyone, this certainly is a bad news for divorce lawyers, the more people put off the idea of getting married, lesser would be the number of divorces J.

To marry or not to marry is not for me to say, but I would surely say one thing, if you are sure that you are in love and the other person loves you the same, then don’t put off the idea of marriage, the picture of both of you holding hands and taking vows in front of the all-mighty is what makes the icing of this lovely relation to be cherished and honored forever.

30
Mar

No Talking? Start Kissing!

No, this article is not about using your lips to kiss when they are unable to come up with words. It is a warning sign for couples who have forgotten to talk and are just filling the void by using lips to kiss.

We all know the drill. You meet someone, you fall in love and you have so much to talk about that people around you get fed up. And you start thinking that sharing lives together forever will give you more to talk about. But you are wrong. When it comes to conversation, after few days of courtship, couples tend to drift apart in terms of talking to each other. Despite the fact that unlike old times now we can stay connected 24/7, we still spend less time chatting.

That makes me question why? Personally I feel that lack of communication is a common issue for people in their 20’s and 30’s who are busy in their stressful work lives and find it difficult to cope up with work and home. When you come home tired from work, the last thing you want to do is talk. In today’s world lives are so busy that couples tend to forget to catch up with each other. You stop wishing “good morning”, you stop asking “how was your day?” or “how is your health?” Daily conversations take on a road of need based dialogues, you talk when you have some work. Worst is if you are in a long distance relationship, you don’t even know what to talk. You call, talk about the day and then follows a long uncomfortable pause where either of you doesn’t speak anything until eventually one person hangs the phone. Communication is a key that unlocks the gates of a successful long terms relationship and when the conversation stops, you tend to lose the emotional connection.

I started wondering what is it that changes between two people who cannot seem to get enough time to finish their talks suddenly get into a stage where there is nothing left to talk. I recently met a couple who was experiencing the phase of silent treatment in their marriage. They met when they were working together. They used to spend endless hours talking about their projects, ambitions and career dreams. Once they got married and the girl relocated, she had to leave her job. The guy got a promotion and started working more and more. After two years of marriage, she realized that it was work that had bonded them in the first place. Once the work was not a topic to be discussed, they had a huge gap and nothing else to talk about.

You might be living together under the same roof, watching TV with your spouse but in reality the bonding seems to be slipping away. Moreover, even when you are at home together, you prefer to surf the Internet alone or do house chores or talk to your friends instead of talking to each other. Dinner times are worst where the only sound that is heard of is the clatter of spoons against plates.

Eventually the situation becomes like an impasse where you keep wondering that how come we have nothing to talk about now. I can still talk with my friends and bond with them then why not with my spouse. When you meet someone and have so much to talk about that time is never enough, you can never believe that silent treatment phase can come.

So we can conclude that it is good to talk but can it be possible that you have already talked too much that nothing is left now? No, you can never have talked enough already, there is always something to talk about. It’s just that we get so busy in our own lives and become so stressed that the smallest things that we were comfortable sharing before feel like ordinary and we avoid saying. Slowly everything becomes ordinary and we end up talking about nothing.

I started thinking and realized that when two people have separate jobs, separate friends, there is very little that they do together. If you think about it, you spend more time with your colleagues at work than your spouse at home. I don’t say that everyone should start working together, but at least they should start doing the other things together. Go shopping together, have lunch together, go to movies, or just make a routine of having morning coffee together. The main point is to be together and just let the conversation flow no matter how unimportant it feels to you.

Do bear in mind that conversing with your spouse won’t be as easy as conversing with your friends. But you definitely should work towards making your spouse your friend. If you feel there is lack of communication from either end, open up, point it out and let the other person know. Every day is not same and one day’s silence does not mean silence forever.

20
Dec

Can You Change a Man?

One word and the entire article can be summarized, NO. You simply cannot change a man and this is not only me talking, you have probably heard from almost everyone, even your grandma, “don’t try to change a man, if you want to be happy then just let him be”. Still we all try to make futile efforts of changing our man. Even I have tried many times with a very little success rate. I wanted my man to be more social, less flirtatious, more understanding with my emotions, less jealous of other guys, more responsible and what not. I kept telling him that I want him to change, but like banging your head against the wall, he didn’t budge even an inch. It created a certain level of distance between us. He got back at me and made himself more distant from me. End result, all we were left was with a vast gap of in-differences and frustrations.

Many women find themselves in similar situations; they love their men a lot but cannot stand certain things about him. They don’t want to leave him but also don’t want to be with him unless he changes. So they keep trying to force their men to change and when they are unsuccessful, she feels lost and lonely and tries to look for another comfort zone where she is heard.

Women by nature are picky. They are picky for their shoes, clothes, makeup, hairstyle, food, perfume, jewellery and what not. We can’t help it, this is probably somewhere in our jeans to be so critical and picky for each and everything. Thus, I suppose men cannot fathom what a woman is and often make statements that “they can never understand us”.

I started to think, is it really true that men cannot change or that we are just not making the right attempt?

I was once talking to a girlfriend of mine who recently got divorced. After battling with months of unhappiness and arguments over trying to change her husband, she eventually left him. “Everything I used to say never reached his ears. He did nothing for me”, she said. She concluded that he didn’t love her anymore and thus, was not making any attempt to please her.

Is changing one’s habits and identities, a mark of one’s love and affection for the other? We as women are programmed to be so meticulous that we start to feel that our man should do what we ask him to do and if he doesn’t we prefer to leave him and find someone else who would. Basically, what we want are trained animals who would come wagging their tails whenever we whistle.

Men are a different species from women. They are strong headed and like to live in their own space. When you tell them that they are wrong or that they should change, they will not like it. Believe me when I say this coz I have had many arguments on this.

I once had a friend who had trouble with his man. He used to keep looking at other girls whenever they used to go anywhere. She felt so embarrassed but didn’t know what else to do. She tried talking to him, fighting with him and even threatening to leave. But she couldn’t change him to stop looking at other girls. So I thought I should ask guys, “What is it that men can’t stop looking at other girls”?

The unanimous answer was, “We’re animals, we just can’t help but look. We want to have sex with every girl we see in short skirt, but that doesn’t mean we want to have sex in reality. It just means that our brain somewhere is unconsciously ripping that girl’s clothes.”

So can men every change?

Probably no, but I do believe that if approached in a right way, things can be made better. If your man is eyeing another girl, there is no harm, is it? He still loves you but no harm in letting him get an occasional eye tonic. Don’t come on too strong on your man with a big list of do’s and don’ts.

In my opinion, men are in fact more understanding than women. Don’t tell them they are wrong, you do not want to hurt their ego. But if you explain certain things in a proper way, I’m sure they will change. Instead of putting him down by pointing his bad habits, try to boost him. Don’t try to change everything about them, if they were so bad you wouldn’t be dating them, right? Walk half way yourself and change your thinking to accept some of their shortcomings.

If you see a lot of issues, then walk out before anything gets serious. But if you have vowed for a lifetime of commitment, then stick to it and change the way you think about your man. Trust him when he says he loves you and I’m sure strong love will take you a long way of mutual understanding and mutual change. Don’t be his mother by trying to tell him every time what to do and what not to do. No man wants to date his mother.

To change your man, learn to change yourself!