I think I’m addicted to being lonely. I can go on for days cooped up in my room, mostly on my desk, typing, browsing, watching and occasionally looking out of the window to get an update on what’s going outside.
I’m no social butterfly and I don’t intend to be one in future as well. I’m really like being a homebody and lately I’m sort of basking in the laziness of it.
However, between the typing on my laptop and gazing out of the window, sometimes I do wonder, by not having any desire to go out, to mix and mingle, to talk to people – Is there something terribly wrong with me?
The 2020 covid lockdown was really hard on people, I would often hear them complain about how tough it is for them to stay indoors all the time and the numerous plan they kept making once the lockdown was lifted. On the other hand, I was sort of OK with being indoors, not meeting people and being by myself.
I don’t hate humans; in fact if you see me at my office gathering or just drinking with friends, you will feel as if I socialize all the time. I love humans, I love laughing with them, I love talking nonsense when I’m drunk, I love listening to their problems and comforting them.
However, as much as I enjoy the company of other fellow humans, I cannot wait to be back home, back in my solitude. Even when I’m with my best friends or my closest family members, I’m always looking to wind up early and leave. It’s not that I don’t talk much, I talk a lot but then after a while I just stop talking and want to get up and leave. I start suffocating and just feel like running away.
Am I an introvert? Not at all, infact I’m extremely extrovert, I can strike up a conversation with almost anyone exception being creepy or too weepy people. The problem that I have is something else, it’s extreme love for your own self. Maybe it’s not acceptable to be in love with being alone and yet I cannot help but being addicted to loneliness. Sometimes I envy those who can sit with friends, drink beer, watch sports, laugh for whole night. Is it weird that I would rather watch a series, cuddled up in my bed rather than being with real friends?
I like myself, in fact I’m in love with myself. It’s “till death do us apart” type of love that I have with my own presence. I know it’s not healthy, I know it’s not normal, so I don’t need anyone judging me and telling me about it. It’s anti-social, unhealthy and even paranoid type of lifestyle that can label you as an outcast. I start palpitating when a group of friends make plan to go out, I panic when someone asks me to go on vacation with them, I cringe when people want to help me out….I just start retreating myself further and further.
How am I doing so far?
I think I’m ok, yes I’m alone and lonely but I’m ok with it, no, I’m not just OK, I’m happy with it. I can just switch off my phone for days (if work allows me to) and read a book for hours. I don’t have the compulsion to keep checking the phone, I don’t have the urge to post pics on social media because I’m just happy with myself. I don’t have desires to go to a pub on Friday night, I’m just happy playing with my son at home or binge watching a series.
No one gets me, they don’t understand why I’m behaving like this. Many come back to me and say that these are signs of depression and I should go out and meet people more. To all of them, I just nod and say – I’m fine so just back off!