Archive for the ‘Life’ Category


Reality Check – Whether You Are a Confused Person or Not?

The lucky ones are good at decision making, whether the decision is good or bad is something that is immaterial, the main point is that some people are good at taking decisions on their own.

However, if you are unlucky like me who cannot decide on anything and always keep swinging back and forth between various options that life throws at us, then welcome aboard. I started writing on this blog in 2010 and since then so many people approached me with their confusions, we kind of formed a confused-support group where we could share and help each other. To narrow it down, I jotted few traits that I found to be common among all confused peoples.

Trait #1: Non-stop questioning, just like an inquisitive toddler

You just need to question, life, job, career, marriage, and even birth. I have so many times gone and asked my mother, “Mom why did you give birth to me”. We just don’t know why we are here and if we are here then what are we supposed to do. Is the job right, am I married to the right person, should I wear blue or green? Even the simplest of the decisions feel a big task.

Trait #2: We find decision making time the scariest and always prefer someone else to take it for us

I have realized that the scary part if not to take decision; the scarier part is the consequences. We are so confused that once we make a decision, we constantly worry that someone will come and accuse us of making the wrong decision. Recently I had some remodelling done in my house, I left the task of deciding the layout, design, colour, everything to my mother. Not because I feel my choices are bad, but because I was afraid that if things don’t look good in the end, I would be blamed. Better to let someone else call the shots while I live in peace.

Trait #3: People around us get irritated with us constantly struggling with even the pettiest issues

A normal person can never understand why we take so much time in deciding whether to order pasta or spaghetti in a restaurant. But for us it’s about whether we will like what we order or not. Do I want to sit there and keep rolling the fork or just pick one by one and eat the damn dish. Whenever I’m out shopping or going for movie, the other person tends to get super angry with me trying to figure out what’s taking so long.

Trait #4: You tend to end up wearing same set of clothes each week 

Now this might not be applicable to all, but when you are a confused person, one thing you take comfort in picking the same set of clothes that you wore last week (even if your closet is loaded with lot more). You wore something last week, you know it looked good, so why bother with something new which will leave you confused. This trait is debatable but it sure applies to me, maybe not always but most of the weeks.

Trait #5: Always blaming someone else for your decisions and wondering why you took that decision in the first place

Whenever I have a fight with my husband, the first thing I say to him, “I don’t know why I ever married you”. Even though you might have taken years to decide whom to marry, but in times of crisis, we end up questioning our decisions and put blame on the other person for making you do what you did.

Life is always filled with riddles and it’s so tough when you are a confused person. So guys if you are a quick decision maker then please bear with confused souls like us!


Do we simply make wrong choices or just change our minds later?

Decisions, something we all take everyday, something we deduce by loads of methods. Action – Consequence, Good – Bad, If – Then Reasoning, these are some of the methods from a large list for making decisions.

But our changing minds always keeps us thinking whether the choices we made were right or wrong.

What were you thinking? It’s a familiar cry of bewildered public who try to understand why you took that decision.

How does a teenager who knows all the about drinking and driving end up in a drunk driving crash? Why does a girl who knows all about birth control end up getting pregnant in a one-night stand? How does an educated, smart girl with a high paying job get married to a rowdy alcoholic?

I wouldn’t say that we humans are reckless because we underestimate risks, we are reckless because we overestimate the rewards. We find rewards more rewarding and try to be optimistic about choices we make. Think about the incomparable intensity of first love or marrying your childhood friend as soon as you turn 20. Seems too good to be missed, right? But we just focus on the reward and how romantic life would be, we do not calculate the risks, what if your childhood friend failed to mature after you had a child? What if the first love is not so romantic after 4 years of marriage?

I believe most of our decisions are based out of social rewards especially the respect of our peers. Imagine getting marriage to your childhood sweetheart, all your friends would be envious of you and thus, you wouldn’t think about the risks associated with it.

It’s how we are raised. Evolutionary cycle of humans is very different from animals as we have an unusually long protected childhood. And when the time comes for us to leave the nest and fly on our own, we are so used to the protective shield that we do not know the dangers of the real world. It’s like learning to accelerate without steering and brakes, we just keep moving ahead and don’t know when to stop or look left / right.

I don’t believe in making wrong choices, we do what we feel is correct with our state of mind hoping to gain some big rewards in the end. That’s how our brains have been programmed to think. It’s embarrassing when people come and ask you to question your own decision. My friend who recently separated from her husband after 4 years of marriage, everywhere people started asking her, “did you not think before marriage him”, “why did you marry”, “why didn’t you think about child before separating”? It’s really none of their business and these questions are not just rude, they are like an attack on someone who is already undergoing great mental stress. It’s not that she changed mind now regarding her husband, she just did not calculate all the risks before marriage and focused more on the rewards of marrying someone who seemed nice at that time.

People are judgmental, the moment there is a problem in your life, they will come to your rescue with lots of advices and pass judgments about the wrong decisions.

Seriously, in this ironically hysterical world, everyone is a good decision maker but you.


Why My Sister Didn’t Leave Her Alcoholic Husband

My sister, 35, watched her husband, 40, lose his business, friends, family and possibly in future trust of his 1.5 years old toddler (if the habit doesn’t change). It’s not easy to live with an alcoholic and it saddens me to see how my sister is undergoing the same that my mother went through when my father was drinking (thankfully he has stopped now).

But time always hardens you and motivates you to hold on no matter how bad things look like.

It’s very easy to imagine a drunk as a vagrant roaming on the streets or sitting in car with a bottle in a brown paper bag. But, it’s very tough to imagine that drunk to be your own husband. A grim reality, which my sister faces everyday is not easy to live. Her husband slowly turned from a successful entrepreneur and father of a cute baby to a broken, unruly man. From being a protector to his wife and child, he became a responsibility and liability.

She never liked alcohol, we both saw our father come home drunk and abuse our mother. He promised her at the day of wedding that he would never drink again and he kept his side of the promise for a while.

His drinking increased slowly when she conceived. She was too busy keeping herself and he baby well that initially she didn’t notice, but this bad habit did not even die after the child was born and that’s when she became worrisome.

Loss in business, and not having another job, took him to a path from which I have no idea if there would be a turning back or not. He preferred to gulp down his problems with a bottle of beer rather than confiding in his partner.

Sometimes he was drinking alone and sometimes with friends. While he was a happy drunk, he was miserable afterwards. He would come home with no sense whatsoever, shout for no reason, talk loudly and just go to sleep.

Her relationship with her husband changed. She became the one providing for the family while the small income that he earned went towards his beer. She took up a part time job to make sure that her kid was provided for. They would constantly keep fighting but it was useless. How can you ever win an argument with a drunk who has lost sense of right and wrong?

Things went to an extent that there were no time boundaries of when he would drink. He would drink in morning, afternoon or night, whenever he could.

She tried to reason with him, telling him to think of his health, his child, their marriage but he constantly denied that he had a problem. He always maintained that he had his drinking under control. His parents also didn’t help and kept encouraging his behavior. All the constant chaos, troubled my sister a lot, I could see it in her eyes and voice, but she kept strong for the world, and for her son.

He had become cold and distant with literally no intimacy left in their relationship. She herself didn’t want to be close to him in that state. But in spite of all this, she didn’t leave him, she kept covering up his absence in social gatherings and kept a smiling face always. She knew he wasn’t a bad man, if only he could leave the drinking, he might become more responsible towards life.

I have seen many women in my life struggling and getting depressed, but not my sister. With all that going in her life, she would just cry to me, she never ever humiliated her husband in public, always maintained his good stature. Was it for love, care or her child, I don’t know. At times, no matter how much we hate someone, you just don’t want to leave in fear that what will happen to him if I leave. Even though he abuses you, you would stand by because that’s what marriage is all about. That’s what the marriage vows say, in good or bad, we will be together, till death do us apart.

I’m not sure if he would ever be back on track, but one thing is sure, till he doesn’t accept that he is an alcoholic, nothing is going to change. I keep telling her that crying, shouting or cribbing about your life is not going to help. You gotta keep strong and keep it together for your son’s sake. The day little kiddo will start talking and will ask his father, “Are you drunk?”, maybe that day he will change forever for good.


Did I do the right thing?

Maybe Not….Maybe Yes, but I will probably never know. This is one question that keeps bothering me almost everyday with one or the other decision that I take.

Should I have worn the red dress instead? Is the make-up too much? Should I still be friends with him? The list just goes on and on.

We are all always stuck in the dilemma of whether we did the right thing or not. We can just never be too confident about the choices we make in our life and hence these pain-enduring confusions.

My husband recently bought a new car, a Toyota model, however, he also had his eyes on a Skoda. After thinking for weeks, he finally bought the Toyota and yet every time he sees a Skoda on road, he will look at me and say, “Do you think we should have bought the Skoda instead?

It’s not just the materialistic things in our lives, we are faced with a similar question in relationships too. Have you gotten married and then 5 years down the line find yourself wondering if this was the right choice? Maybe you could have waited some more time and someone better would have come along.

But the answer is simple, “you will never know”. It doesn’t matter whether he/she is the right person for you, because you are married and whoever it was after him/her doesn’t exist anymore.

The truth is that we all make the right decision every time, hard to believe, right? But it’s true, all our decisions are right because they felt right at that time when we took them. It doesn’t matter if it looks wrong now in present because you did what you wanted to do back then.

No matter how many hours, days, weeks, you spent in thinking what to do, but in the end you just do what you probably wanted to do deep in your heart since the beginning. I feel that one must trust their innate sense of timing.

Time never waits for anyone and whatever decisions we take are relative to time. It’s best to accept that we did something in the moment and there is no going back in time to change things or going in future to know whether it’s good or bad. How about just being confident about what we do and even if things didn’t turn out the way we expected, get up, brush the dust away and move on to try new things.

Never stop trusting yourself, because the day you stop is the day your worries begin.




Can’t Stop Stalking Online???

Every other day when I get bored from work, I login to my Facebook account and start browsing through the profile of my friends (so-called Internet friends whom I have not met or spoken to in ages). Hours go by before I realize that I need to go back to work.


It’s weird that I’m intrigued with what my friends are doing in their personal life, where are they working, which places they visited, are they married, do they have kids, etc.

I’m not an addict, I work on computers whole day, so Internet is an integral part of what I do. Before these social networking profiles came into picture, I would spend my free time browsing some news, or reading a whitepaper. But now it’s spent mostly in this digital maze of social media. At times its incredibly compulsive, very much like compulsion to smoke or do drugs. My brain says, “Don’t do this, it’s a waste of time and you might feel sad with pangs of jealousy engulfing you”, but my fingers click anyways.

I wouldn’t blame Internet or Facebook for my addiction. People use it to stay connected with their friends and families, which is not bad if you think about it. But there are few of us who get addicted with this and become outright Internet addicts.

I think a new medical term called as “Social Media Stalking Addiction” should be introduced in the medical dictionary.

I’m not like this all days, but there are days when I’m not able to balance my digitally social life with my “real” physical life. It’s like Facebook is a big whole which easily sucks me into it and where I spend hours and hours of my workday clicking around on friends of friends’ pictures, reading their wall posts, and basically stalking them. I even do it to random people I’ve seen at meetings or in trains who I barely know! I just can’t seem to stop, even when I know I should.

Sometimes because of this addiction, I’m constantly living under the threat of “compare and despair”. I would keep looking at my friend’s pictures and status updates to see what they were doing, if they were visiting exotic places while I was sitting and getting bored at work.

I do want to get out of this addition but it just doesn’t let me go. My nature of work requires me to keep up many Facebook business pages and so I can’t help but login to Facebook everyday.

I have been meaning to stop this addiction for a while and writing this post and admitting that I’m an addict is the first step.

Now, I have decided to just directly visit the business pages and ignore the new feeds in my personal timeline and also avoiding searching random profiles.

It might take lot more than just the thought of becoming sober, but I’m prepared to take the baby steps to reach there.

Are there any other tips out there to help me with this?


The Murder of Peace!!!!

There is a constant chaos where I live…I don’t call it my house because I’m living with my husband’s parents so technically it’s their home..

From the moment you enter the house, chaos starts, someone is shouting on someone, someone is cribbing about something, no one really seems to be happy with each other.

Family time is more about arguing over something or just keeping quite and having food. We are 5 people in the house and if my memory serves right, since I have come here (3 years back) the only family time is for 30 minutes each day when we all have dinner together. And most of that time is spent in silence with TV making the required noise to break the silence. Rest of the time is spent in watching TV alone in separate rooms or with the mobile phone.

I have been to a lot of family homes of my friends and while on the outside they do look like happy families, but on the inside I personally feel all are same.

Where is Peace???

I personally feel it is the fault of civilization. We evolved from animals and then slowly we started living in caves, then huts and then brick houses. Animals don’t have homes, they just wander, they don’t have uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, and thus, you don’t see them crying, or shouting or fighting on a tree (unless it is for a common prey). Our ancestors got it right, we were good when we were individuals, but when we attached relationships to these individuals and opened up Pandora’s box of chaos.

You can call humans as social animals but inherently we are not, we are solos and we work best solos. Just imagine a scenario, you live alone, all by yourself. You get up in morning, you eat whatever you want to eat (there is no one to please so you get to decide your own meal), you go to work, you decide what you want to do in evening (you don’t have to take anyone’s permission for that), you come back home and just do what you want to do. There is no one bothering you with clutter you are making by throwing clothes around, or complaining about the bad food you made, or shouting about making a mess in the kitchen..

We might love to socialize, but we sure love our space too. We are not programmed to live together, our predecessors were not, how can we be any different. We ourselves complicated our lives and then started blaming others for destroying peace. Just one question, when you have chaos at home, don’t you prefer to leave house and relax somewhere alone?

We try to call ourselves the smarter breed but we failed miserably by creating relationships, homes and emotions. PEACE was there all along, until we decided one day to start living together and kill PEACE.


Do You Want to Break-Free Too?

Since I started writing on this blog, I have had many people share their stories of confusions with me. Recently, one story touched my heart and I felt the need to write this article.

This is a story about a young girl in her late 20’s who is going under a severe depression phase. All attempts by even the most reputed doctors have been in vain. She just wants to be alone and not do anything.

I spoke to her several times and asked her to get out, go for a world tour, a hiking trip or try something which is adventurous and out of her comfort zone. She told me that she would love to do all those but she belongs to a very conservative family and her parents would never let her travel alone without them. Her mother accompanies her even to visit the doctor.

Probably her depression is due to being confined in an environment which she cannot breakfree and run for her freedom to be happy. She is confused, she wants to get out but her restrictions from family won’t let her.

But she is not alone, this is the story of almost every adult who is still living with their parents, ofcourse not all become depressed, but if asked I can bet that most would say that they would love to live alone.

Few days ago, I happened to meet an old friend of mine who had something similar to share, “Parents can be annoying,” she said. “They interfere in decisions that I make. Whenever I try to make a decision about my life, I face lots of problems. My father goes to every other member of the family and asks their opinion but would never respect mine.” She wanted to go abroad to study further, but her father thought she wouldn’t be safe alone and refused.

In most of the third world countries where children still live with their parents until death, children have no say, parents still control what their children should do and not do even if children are old enough to take their own decisions. After marriage as well, the wife needs to come and live with everyone else and listen to her in-laws. Even she is not allowed to make decisions on her own and should seek permission for every small thing.

The family style found in the United States, where children typically move out when they are 18 years old, would never work in countries like India. Indian children cannot leave their parents because they need them and rely on them for support and advice. I have seen grown men who still rely on their mothers to do their laundry or make their food.

That’s how Indian culture goes, parents raise sons in hope that son will take care of them in old age and sons prefer to live with parents for support and easy life. Even if it requires frequent arguments, fights, loud bickering, all continue to live together forever.

Why is it so that kids growing up in western countries like USA prefer to live independently, even parents want their kids out as soon as they turn 18 but in countries like India, all stay together.

Are parents in USA more strong and capable that they don’t feel the need for their children to take care of them while parents in India are too weak and scared to live alone? Or it’s just the cultural difference, one which people are too strongly tied up to break?

I wonder, is it just us, or society as well who pressurizes the children to be with parents and not become independent, if a son leaves home, “What a shameful son, he left his old parents to rot while he enjoys his life”, I’m sure this is what he will have to hear!!!

For the girl in the story, this could be one of the reasons for her being depressed, but what do you feel? Should you still be with your parents and let them make decisions and control your life or it would be better for everyone to adopt the USA style of life?


How About Asking “Who I Am” Instead?


Any normal conversation you pick with a stranger, the first thing they would ask you, “What do you do?” I wonder, what I do for a living doesn’t have anything to do with who I am and yet a strange person is all set to form a complete characterization of my identity based on this one question.

That’s why it is annoying that all our conversations have to start with the dreaded question, “what do you do?”

As a society, we are obsessed with our jobs. Our obsessions stretch to a level where our profession becomes our self-identity and our job defines who we are. We don’t even know how to take vacations. A recent survey of working professional revealed that even on vacation they keep replying to work emails on phone.

Last week I was at a family gathering, a cousin of mine who is really obsessed about his work wanted to leave early. I asked him why the hurry and he replied, “My client’s mother passed away and I have to attend the funeral. I wouldn’t go if it was any neighbor, but as it’s my client I need to go anyhow”. Really annoying, but well, that’s what is reality, people eat, drink and sleep their jobs these days.

When I was working in Mauritius, I met a French couple. Inevitably I asked them, “what do you do?” (sorry about that). They simply replied, “we are divers”. It was not something they do for a living, but it was something they were passionate about and felt proud of.

It was a refreshing answer unlike all the other people I met who were “accounting manager at PWC”, “software engineer at Dell” or “marketing executive at KPMG”.

We live in a society where people are judged by what they do for a living. Your character is already set in people’s mind based on your profession. A doctor, lawyer, or an engineer top the list, followed by finance executives, accountants and teachers.

So, when I was brooding in my solace and doing nothing, I asked myself, “what do I do?” I got confused, I have taken up so many roles, not sure how to answer that. Should I reply straight from my resume and brag about the director position I hold in my company or should I talk about the real me whose passion is to write. I write on this blog without getting paid for it, I just write coz I love to pen down my thoughts. So maybe that’s what I do, “I write”.

Knowing what someone does for a living is good, but not really the first choice of question. How about you ask me, “where do I live” or “how many kids I have”. At least you would have known me better to form an impression about me.

As I write, I’m reminded of an old poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, this is how it starts:

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

Such an amazing thought, may we all share this vision one day and live for our passions and not define our identities based on our professions.


Just Became a Mother and Losing it Already?

It was one of the most precious moments of my life when my doctor took him out of my vagina and put him on my tummy. He was the most adorable baby you’ve ever seen and I was just grateful to God that it was mine.

He was amazing, smiling and playing most of the time, adorable during the day but terrible at night. Yes, you guessed it right, he was not a great sleeper. He wanted to nurse all night long and somehow it took the fun out of nursing. I still love it but going without proper sleep for 15 long days would dampen your mood for sure.

So it began some 15 days back when I started doing this all-night party thing with my baby boy and one day I went berserk.

I got up pretty late that day as he kept me awake most of the night, had my breakfast while nursing him and gave him a bath and hoped that he will sleep for couple of hours and I will get some break for myself.

He was very sleepy, I could see in his eyes, but he would just not sleep. The moment I would put him down in his cot, he would start crying, wanting to be held in my arms.

I’m a working mother and it was getting really difficult to manage work and home balance and I just lost it somehow.

I live with my husband’s parents and my mother in law came up to my little one and said, “My poor baby has no one taking care of him since morning, let me take him with me”. I snapped, “Is his mother dead, I’m sitting with him since morning leaving my work and you say no one is taking care of him”.

Just don’t know what happened to me, probably it was frustration of not being able to sleep, or just the fact that in spite of dedicating my whole time to the baby, I just don’t deserve such a statement even if it was a joke.

My mother-in-law was shocked that I said such a thing and I know she was just joking but I was equally shocked that I could say something like this.

She took the baby with her in the other room and put him to sleep after an hour or so, but I was left thinking, “this is just not me, what is wrong with me”.

So, I realized, being a mom is not easy, but there are certain things you can do to not “lose it”.

  1. Be serious about sleep: Yes, you need to work and take care of house too, but your body needs rest and you need to make it a priority no matter what.
  2. Be willing to take help: Initially I used to feel stupid and weak for asking help, shouldn’t I be able to calm my own baby down? But if you are a nursing mother then you are doing a lot already, it is ok to let someone else put your baby to sleep or play with him so that you can take some rest.
  3. Your baby is fine: Just go out for a walk for sometime leaving your baby at home with friends or family, you need to clear your head and get some “me” time so that you can be back happy and charged up to take care of your little bundle of joy.

This was a day when I had actually lost my soul, but since then I have tried to be calm about it and never stopped loving my baby no matter how many nights he kept me awake…

And yes, in process of being a good mother, I have for sure snapped, back-answered and hurt many people’s feelings which I feel awful about but I’m sure I’ll be forgiven for trying to be a Super Mom.


Whose Child Is It, Anyways?

couplefightingoverchildA child – One of the most precious gifts of God. From the moment he is born, he fills our hearts with happiness and joy.

But whose child is it anyways?

God Says – It is mine coz I have sent him from heaven directly in to the mother’s womb. At least that’s what happened to Mother Mary.

Mother Says – It is mine coz I carried him for nine months, feed him my milk and stay awake whole night so that he can sleep well.

Father Says – It is mine coz scientifically it wouldn’t be born without my sperm and I’m paying for his upbringing.

Grandmothers (both maternal and paternal) Says – It is mine coz I have given birth to the father / mother of the child and they wouldn’t have come without me, so eventually I’m the foundation.

Grandfathers (both maternal and paternal) Says – It is mine coz like the grandmother, I’m the fore bringer of the mother and father of the child.

Birth of a child is a transition phase for everyone, a wife becomes a mother, a mother becomes a grandmother and a son becomes a father.

Ownership is a very broad term, from child’s clothes to his schooling, there are so many decisions to be made and everyone feels responsible towards it in some way or the other. Conflicts arises, debates happen and differences are created when opinions are different. Parenthood is being questioned by elders who have already being in that place before, they vouch by their experience even though they were lousy when they were parents themselves.

The poor little child who cannot speak or walk yet, keeps looking at the circus around him and wonders how foolish everyone is for taking ownership. He is no one’s child coz he is an independent human and everyone else is just a prop to help him grow. It’s just a matter of few years when he will be mature enough to select his own clothes, pick his own college and nurture his own career without anyone else meddling into his life.

A child is no one’s, no matter what age, he will always be the master of his own will.