Archive for July, 2011


Is Your Spouse Your Lover or Friend?

One of the predominant rules of dating is that if you are tired of the other person, you cannot simply call and dump. It would be too cruel. So people have tried to make workarounds so as to make the entire episode feel less painful. The cliché “let’s be friends” lines, “I really like you but as a friend”, “I’m crazy for you, but I don’t think I’m suitable for you, so let’s be friends”, always works like a charm. But let’s be realistic now, two people who have been lovers just cannot be friends. You can either be lovers or friends but you just cannot mix the two recipes. Yet, when it comes to marriages, an entirely different rule applies. In a marriage, everyone wants their spouse to be their best friend.

So what is it that makes you crave for a friendship in a marriage but not while dating?

If you evaluate all the marriages, broadly you can classify them under two categories. One the one hand are couples who have complete trust on each other. They share each and everything with each other, even their friend circle is common. You can say that they are simply inseparable. Their relationship is driven predominantly by communication and not sex. So what do they lack? On the outside one might say nothing, but inside the bedroom the story is entirely different. Their desires lack passion. They can connect very nicely with words but when it comes to undressing in the bedroom, either a book comes out or television is switched on. The lovemaking is calm and not wild like fire.

Then you have couples who are great in bed but lack the intimacy of thoughts. Their lovemaking is passionate, fierce but their communication is filled with fights and arguments. Moreover, when they need to talk to someone, they would prefer their outside friends especially ones who are not common. They usually make up for all the argument with passionate sex. There is nothing wrong with such a relation, but then is there a relation in the first place? Eventually when the sex drive dries out, what would be the fate of such a marriage?

When I think about both the scenarios, either of the marriage does not have the success formula to last long. You cannot have sex all the time, and you cannot just keep talking all the time. Any marriage needs to have the right potion of both aspects for the magic spell that can make them live happily ever after. Any successful marriage therefore must have both the ingredients of passion and intimacy. I suppose the key is to connect with your partner emotionally during sex. The honeymoon period does not last long and thus, a marriage needs two people who can talk and exchange thoughts and not just use the mouth for a great kiss. The right companion should be someone who can not only take you to the highest levels of excitement but can also grow you emotionally and intellectually. He/she should not be someone with whom you can not only rush to the bedroom but someone with whom you can build a home.

I guess even God planned a way to make humans develop a relation with both intimacy and sex, I suppose that’s why women have their menses so that during those 5 days the two people can connect emotionally and not sexually.

So, how is your relation, are you friends with your spouses or lovers?


Is Lying Good In A Relationship?

It is said that “Honesty is the best policy”. I wonder how much weight this saying holds in our lives. We are taught since childhood to be honest, we even preach our children the virtues of honesty and believe it or not, when asked what you value the most in your life, many people would say “Honesty”. Yet, we keep lying almost every day. We have an ambivalent relation with lying. Our mind is a hypocrite, we feel that lying is morally wrong but yet we do not have any qualms while lying as long as it serves our purpose.

We tell our lovers that they look gorgeous in the newly bought dress when they look grotesque. We compliment our wives for dinner when the food is barely edible. We lie about our age when we need to get a driver’s license at 15. We lie to our boss about health when we are simply lazy to go to work. Moreover, we even lie to ourselves when we want to soothe ourselves and feel less guilty for our wrong doings.

Surprisingly, I came across an article by University of Massachusetts which mentioned about a research on how the little lies can be useful for us. It said “we use lies to grease the wheels of social discourse”. That’s huge, even science believes that lying is not bad.

We walk across the streets, see people holding hands, see marriages that have lasted like forever and we assume that when two people manage to stay in a relation for so long then it has to be complete honesty and transparency between them. But, the truth is different. Most of the couples who have managed to stay in a relation for long are committed coz they have not shared everything with their partner. Sometimes it is a good idea to tell your partner what they want to hear.  A fear always lingers in a relationship that if you tell everything, you might end up losing the person who means the world to you. After all, these relations are as delicate as a petal and can break with even the slightest breeze of mistrust.

The question that I always ask, do we need to know everything? When we hear that our partner has done something awful, broken our trust or cheated, how would we react? Are we capable of total and complete forgiveness if our partner did something terribly bad but still has the courage to tell the truth? If you for example, ran into your old school lover and kissed him, not coz you love him or you don’t love your spouse, but just for the old time’s sake, is there any point in telling your partner, if there is no way for him to find it out? Things that are in past or forgotten, is there any reason to bring them out in open and risk everything?

Some people would prefer to be honest especially women. But is it worth to lose the love of your life for a stupid kiss that didn’t even mean anything. Moreover, kissing you ex, is it even cheating if it was a momentary thing without any feelings attached? Some things are best forgotten and not telling in such cases would be the best solution. In a relationship at times, lying becomes a necessary evil. I’m not saying that you should lie always, but you should know when lying is ok and when it’s not.

But is it true that people lie just to avoid the hurt they would cause their partner? Not really. In any relationship, people often lie to please themselves. It is very common for our partner to say, “I lied coz I knew it was the best thing for you, I just wanted to save you from the pain of the bitter truth”. Usually we lie not coz we think good or bad about our partner, we just lie to avoid punishments, sorrows and to please ourselves. We lie to embellish our own credentials in order to make us feel better.

We always assume by default that people are saying the truth because we usually are not prepared to hear the truth. As long as we hear what we want to hear, we accept it, true or not. Truth sometimes has the capacity to be cruel and blow your world apart. Without these pretty white lies, we’d all be sitting in the dark with the curtains drawn.

I would say in the end, whether you lie or not, but always remember, true love is very hard to find, so be honest to a relation and never do things which you wouldn’t be able to handle yourself if you were on the other side.


Are You Also Confused After a Breakup?

“It is not you, it is me”, “I still love you but right now I just need to sort out my life”. These are some of the cliché breakup lines that most of us have heard in our lives at some point or the other. What is it about the breakup that makes your partner say all this while breaking up? Is it to make you feel good about the fact that he is breaking up with you or to relieve oneself from the guilt of breaking up and hurting someone. If someone really loved you, then why is there a need to breakup? All these questions leave you confused and baffled after you have been dumped and left alone on a pavement of life, wet with tears and vulnerable with the hurt.

Rejections are really hard, no matter which side of the breakup you are. The reality seems so bitter and painful that no matter how hard you try not to, you still end up harboring secret fantasies of getting back together or how on one rainy night, he will ring your door bell, kiss you with intense passion, make romantic love to you and come back into your life. Such happy endings usually happens in a romantic chick flick, but reality is tough and the sooner you let it sink in your brains, the better it is for you.

Initially it’s very tough but time is a big healer and after a while you realize that this chapter is over in your life and move on. Breaking up is very hard to do, but learning how to move on after the breakup is even harder.

My personal experience says that soon after the breakup, the best way is to create a distance between each other. Maybe one day the two of you can be friends again, but now is not the time. You would be vulnerable, and each glimpse of him will make you weak and give you tear soaked pillows. If needed even delete him from Facebook or Gtalk. No point in getting hurt again when you see his relation status change to “committed” again but this time not with you.

Also you need to skip the blame game altogether. While it’s very tempting to play the blame game after a breakup, it will not help you get over the person. It is human to blame the other person and never take responsibility for our actions that led to the breakup. After all every one of us thinks that we can never be wrong and we gave our best to this relation. While this may sound good in our own heads, but reality is far from it being true. It is very important for you to get the closure to be able to move on. Resist the urge to blame yourself, him or any third person for whatever went wrong in the relationship. I’m sure both of you would have tried hard, and both of you made mistakes. In a strong relation that becomes sour, it’s not anyone’s fault. To put in simple words, things just didn’t work out and it was probably not meant to work out. It’s better to accept the fact and part with good memories rather than guilt and anger.

A broken relationship does not mean that you are not entitled to true love. Connect with your inner self and do things just for yourself for a change. When you know who you are and what you want in life, true love will come automatically. Give yourself plenty of time before you commit into another relation coz the new relation will most probably be a rebound relation with a success rate of merely 1%. So, it’s better to be with friends, family instead of going on a hunt for a new boyfriend.

Do things to boost your self esteem and distract you from his thoughts. Get a new wardrobe, new hair style, or a spa treatment. Anything that makes you feel good about yourself and brings back your confidence. Pamper yourself as you probably ignored while trying to please him all the time.

No relationship is perfect, be it a boyfriend, a neighbour, or for that matter your parents. Disagreements and arguments happens all the time while trying to voice one’s opinions which can even lead to a name calling fiasco. Just make sure that your fighting style is fair and you eventually do not hurt anyone by your words. Remember arguments can make a relation stronger if done in a respectful manner, or can break a relation if resorted to unfair means where you need a referee to decide the winner.

Next time, don’t rush. Take your time to “Connect” with the person. A long lasting relation is based on the bonding, understanding and respect that comes for each other after the right “Connection”, with a Capital “C”.

If you are honest, a perfect guy/girl isn’t going to come along and sweep you away.  You will find someone who makes you smile and you want to spend all your time with them.  Isn’t that enough anyway?  If you set the bar too high, you’ll just trip over it.  Don’t make someone meet your expectations, instead go with whom you feel like always being with!


Does Sex Have Any Age?

Many couples who are busy juggling jobs, managing children and domestic duties, at some point or the other become experts in dodging sexual contact with their partner. The arousal, heated passion and the erotic love making, becomes a casual routine sex and for most no sex at all. In most of the marriages that I have witnessed, with kids, demanding job and other responsibilities, sex gets lost somewhere. Why is it that the most important thing that bonded the marriage in the first place, becomes the least important thing in life once you cross a certain age?

Not being married myself, I really couldn’t understand the factor that was keeping the couples away. Then I got to talk to many married couples and found different responses. But there was one important thing, its absence caused a tension to always be present in their marriage. Usually the husband thinks, “Will it happen today?” and the wife thinks, “Can I push it to another day?” or the wife thinks, “Is he not attracted to me anymore?” and the husband feels “Will I be able to perform well?” In some circumstances, one or the other partner was not even able to get an orgasm or when it did come it was not as exciting as it used to be.

Any marriage or a relation always starts off as the ideal couple, like Romeo and Juliet, full of passion and romance. Then as time goes by, you become like everybody else and keep wondering what went wrong coz we were so much in love when we began. There is always something or the other coming up like job pressure, house loans, kids homework, which really wears you out so much that you prefer to dodge the act of love making with your partner.

Most couples end up seeing sex as an exhaustive activity like rest of them. What they fail to realize is that sex is an act of love making, an act of passion, where you let go all your stress and just flow in the moment to high levels of excitement and fun. I agree that there can be times when you are really tired and wouldn’t want to do it, but I still suggest you to make an effort to keep the ship sailing. There is no age for making love to your spouse. You are meant to be together for your life and well, sex comes with the package of marriage. So why not keep the heat burning till it lasts. Why not put oil to your rusted marriage and bring the spark back.

There is no point in dodging the act every time, if you want a successful marriage and not just a marriage for namesake, then there is just one mantra – Do it!