Archive for June, 2011


Are There Any Rules in a Relationship?

Look around, you will find rules everywhere. School, work, church, home, every place has its own rules. Rules that we need to abide by – “don’t talk while eating”, “don’t speak during prayers”, “don’t litter on the road”, “don’t exceed the lunch hour”….and so on, the list never ends.

We are taught since childhood not to break any rules, but when it comes to a relationship, the old age saying “rules are meant to be broken”, holds absolutely true.

Single people or couples, no matter what our relationship status is, we are all guilty of letting these rules block our vision to new horizons and make us believe that our existing relation is not going to work out. Maybe you think that your marriage is over as you are not having sex every day like other couples or maybe you wish to break up with your boyfriend because you feel that the spark is not there anymore.

According to me, all these reasons are just some lame rules dictating your love life and it is time to move on and reach new relationship levels by breaking these rules.

Some of the conventional rules that we think are very important for a good relationship, I believe, are a myth. Trust me, breaking those rules will actually set you free and let you have a really strong and lasting relationship.

People who live in fantasy world believe that “If it’s meant to happen, it will happen”. Now, in this jet age who has the time to actually wait for the gods of fate to shower their blessings on you. If you really like a person, go out there, tell him, and don’t be shy in opening your heart out. The worst that can happen is he/she will say no. At least you won’t be sitting around and wasting your time waiting for the right guy. There is no rule to keep sitting and waiting. Why do women hesitate to actually ask a guy out or make the first move? I think some men really like strong women who can take the charge of the love life.

Even those who think they found the perfect match, the love of their life, once their honeymoon phase is over, they don’t feel the same spark as before. But believe me, relationships are not easy, it will not be rainbows and butterflies all the time. There would be times when things get real rough, you just need to be strong, work on them and keep the love last forever. When there is true love, there are no rules; things just work out on their own. Little things that we forget once we start taking each other for granted, bring them back. Smile in the morning, say I love you every day, take out time to really talk to each other, try to seduce each other without sex, such things can really make the relationship going for a very long time.

When two people involve in a relationship, it creates an amalgamation of two cultures, natures and rules. The unspoken rules define what is considered as acceptable and unacceptable, what is good and bad, and what makes a relation work and what makes it break.

The unspoken rules influence how well you can relate to your partner, how well you can handle the intimacy, deal with your emotions and react to any conflict or misunderstandings. If the unspoken rules match for both the partners, chances are the relation will run very smoothly.

If each partner has different rules, it will lead to conflict and power struggles, as both try to get the other to adhere to their own rules.

During the course of a relation it becomes very important to identify these rules that are creating a negative impact on the relation and try to make a balance. If both the partners stay stubborn on their own set of rules, it is highly possible that the relation will hit the rock bottom and break apart. Thus, it becomes very important to break these rules, be more flexible and try to understand your partner.

If there is one rule that you should abide by is to “break all the rules”.

You need to stay open to your thoughts. If you’re single, stay open to new options. If you’re attached, stay open to new solutions. What worked last time may fail this time and vice versa. But you’ll never know what truly makes you happy unless you take a chance on love. It may be a huge risk, but it’s totally worth the reward.


Can You Really Forgive Without Forgetting?

Any relationship sooner or later hits a stone and the word “forgiveness” creeps in. Offenses and mistakes are very common and often the person committing the mistake seeks forgiveness. But usually the other person is reluctant to forgive. Is it true that forgiveness is very difficult because we expect a lot and are deeply hurt to be able to forgive someone by heart when a breach of faith happens?

To forgive a person, you really need to believe from your heart that the apology is genuine and that person has realized his mistakes. But if the experiences have been one of the most painful ones of your life, sometimes it gets really tough or even impossible to forget them. So, if you still keep the bad memories of those painful experiences, can you really forgive that person by heart? Or every time those memories give you a recall, the forgiveness goes away?

I have a strong opinion about forgiveness, I know it is tough to be able to forgive but once you do that, you actually free yourself from those bad memories and you get to see an entirely new light at the end of the tunnel. But I have also seen instances when forgiveness is unfair and the person committing a mistake should be punished and not forgiven. No matter what the issue is, different people have different opinions towards whether to forgive or not. For e.g. in cases of an extra marital affair, some people might forgive their partners as their love is really strong and some people might not be able to overcome the shock of being cheated and never forgive. On the other hand, I have even seen cases when people say they have forgiven but they never forget and keep blaming the other person for cheating and betraying.

Even still, forgiveness is something that I strongly believe by heart. I personally have forgiven and forgotten things in my life many times. Just like God forgives us for all our sins, we humans should also be able to do that. But it’s not that easy as bad memories, painful hurts, endless tears, that we have undergone, do not let us forget things so easily. What should we do in such cases, breakup and go away or stay and give the other person another chance? It is a very confusing decision to make as we can never be sure that if you walked away, would you lose the love of your life or if you stayed, would you be cheated again.

Let’s take the earlier example of an affair, forgiveness in this situation means you need to think about being with that person forgetting that the affair never happened, which in my opinion is rather impossible to do. Usually, the other partner feels that no matter how many apologies are made, how many gifts are given, how can he or she compensate for the pain that I have gone through?

On the other hand, the person involved in the affair, usually wants to avoid the discussion when he is truly remorseful of the act, he or she wants to forget that it happened and be forgiven by heart and feels guilt whenever the blame comes.

Personally, till date I have not been able to figure out what it really takes to forgive someone. I think unless you do not erase the memory forever, the bad memories will haunt you forever and you will never be able to forgive by heart. It is said that to err is human and to forgive is divine, I guess not many people believe in this. What do you think?


Is the Ultimate Goal of any Relationship – Sex?

Is it true that a relationship can only survive if the sex is good? Does all the cooing, caring, love, emotions, etc. boil down to just one aspect – physical togetherness? Once that level is reached; all the care and emotions take a sidetrack.

Have you ever felt that being in a relationship for many months and having slept together, the care and emotions that you felt before sex are gone? You are often left confused about your stand in the relation after the sexual line is crossed. Usually all the problems in a relation start to emerge once you have slept together. Isn’t that what happened with Adam and Eve as well?

It takes a lot of effort to sustain a relation and actually survive through joys and sorrows. The vows that people take in a wedding are also forgotten if the sex goes away from the marriage. Makes you think, is it the orgasm that keeps the relation going and you occasionally mistaken it for love?

I do not deny the fact that several people do have a purely platonic relation, but how rare are those or should I say how gay are those? Unless your opposite sex friend is a gay or lesbian, you cannot deny having sexual fantasies for them.

Having being in many relationships, I got to think about what was the ultimate goal of my relations.

Most of the time it was not sex at all. I do not deny the physical spark that came up occasionally but things seemed just right the way they were. Maybe that is the reason that none of the relationships lasted longer. Still I want to believe that sex is not the ULTIMATE in any relationship… The ultimate goal is Friendship and if you can find true companionship in your partner, you are a lucky person… Sex comes afterwards. To make a relationship stronger it is very important to understand that lust cannot drive a relation, it has to be something more than that… has to be an eternal feeling of long lasting companionship and sharing that will make you want to live with that person forever. A relationship has many emotions attached to it and sex should not be just about getting an orgasm, it should be an expression of love. When two people truly believe that they are meant to be together, sex becomes love making and is beautiful and without any guilt.

LOVE is the reality created by God which is supposed to be beautiful, caring, sweet, understanding and most important forever lasting. Look for a friendship in your partner, a bonding of emotions and not just hormones.

You need to decide what it is that you truly want – A Love Relationship or Plain Sex? From all the lovers out there, I wish you love and happiness with the partner of your dreams for whom you’ll have the highest regard and admiration… enough to love them completely and to see sex as the beginning of your union together….and not as an end goal.


Why Do We Need to Please Someone?

When you are in a relationship, there is a constant need to please the other person. You keep thinking nonstop, what should I do? Will he like it? Will he say no?

You are always confused with the choices that you need to make. Is it true that in a relationship, you tend to forget your own identity in order to be able to make the other person like you? Is it human tendency that we tend to always judge the other person so as to make them the way we want them to be?

Whenever you are sitting in a restaurant, or a movie, or in a bus, you observe a lot of people. You see their gestures, their clothes, their attitude, you watch their every tiny detail. In other words, you judge them. If someone comes and says, “That dress does not suit you”, you would probably never wear it again, even though the comment was made by a complete stranger. The pressure to please others and be praised by others is so big that we actually tend to live life guided by the choices of others and in reality forget what we really like.

This brings us back to the same question, why are we so confused in making the right choices and why do we rely on others to pass their judgment?

I suppose a lot of this has got to do with the fact that most of us lack confidence. We do not have the courage to go out and be who we are. We are afraid what others might think about us. Even though we would like a dress very much but if someone else doesn’t, then we don’t wear it.

The only solution to come out of this confusion is for all of us to realize who we are, what we desire and stand up for that. People still in this age are ashamed to accept they are gay, why? It doesn’t matter what the other person feels, it is not your job to please everyone. Even if you are in a relation and you are afraid of hurting the other person, come out of it. If the person truly loves you, he will have to accept what you are, your choices, and your wishes. To start living by the wishes and wants of other people lowers your confidence level further and eventually you become incapable of taking any decision in your life.

Gather all the courage, wear whatever you want to wear, end of the day you will be more happy and satisfied if you live as per your conditions and not by what others say.

I would just say one statement – “Please yourself if you want to please others”.